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i feel like my life is slipping away from me and there is nothing i can do. well not life as such, but everything in it. im not in control. i need control. i need stability, but at the same time i don't know what i need to do that. i canceled meeting mikey today. i was dreading it all day and as soon as i text him, i regretted it even more. do i still love him? i don't know, we have been getting on so well, and i still love watching a film with him and feeling his arms round me, even though inside i am coiling as he knows. he knows where all my fat flabby bits were, and he said he loved them, pity i didn't. know he says they have all gone. why can't he look in the same mirror as me? why can't he - or anyone else - see all the fat! the double chin, the bulging, pregnant looking stomach, the fat thighs, even my boobs! they are too big - 2 lumps of fat on the front of my body, reminding me i have to loose weight. i remember wishing they were bigger when i was younger. now i want rid of them, they disust me! i disgust me! i want to be thin! i need to be thin. i have decided tomorrow i am taking a yogurt to work with me. 3 bottles of water and 1 weight watchers yogurt for 12 1/2 hour shift, will be when i get back home that is the challenge, might say i have ate at the hospital. have had no energy today, just been in bed sleeping, might pull an all nighter - that way more calories have been burned. have been working on a rule book for myself, rather than uni work, it will all be done one day. bye for now tho x x
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So last night was ok - Halloween Party at Stace's. Pity no one turned up, but at the same time i was relieved. The thought of spending the whole night with people who don't like me wasn't that appealing, yet at the same time, would've been good to try and speak and build bridges. Went down town after that, met Kat. Seen Chris. Not seen him since i woke up at his a month ago. He was talking to some girl. I wasn't jealous, I don't care. I haven't heard from him. Does that make me a slut? That night with t=him, made me realise i don't want anyone to see me naked again. at least not for a while until i am happier with my body. Not even Mikey :( everytime he looks at me, i automatically suck in my stomach, i coil when he touches me, i want to disappear. i hate myself so much. So back to last night - me and Kat went to the toilet - and she told me i can do what i want in terms of my weight, as she has been there done that and "i need to get it out of my system". Turns out she had been speaking to Mikey on Thursday night, when i was in the toilet and he told her to make me eat - WTF??? He knows what im facing, what im battling and he said he understood that it wasnt that simple for me! Why is he telling people to force me to eat? ARGH! So me and Kat comprimised, i can do what i want with my weight - YEH! like I would've paid attention anyways - as long as i don't die on her. I do feel sorry for her, and i did agree, but then i find out that it all means nothing to her - She is thinking of a transfer with her work - Not to the nearest city - no - but away to the other side of the country! When she told me i crumbled. Like she didn't really give a fuck about me, so that majorly pissed me off, and i started arguing with Mikey. Oh the joys! Text him again this morning to say i didn't know what i was on about and i wasn't falling out with him. The he asked if i was still in love with him - i couldn't answer, i don't know. I don't think i do, but how can i tell him? so confused, but either way - its not going to happen. just a rant, sorry x |
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I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is bettyboo56@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat! |
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So, I'm so sick of the way my life is going right now, i'm going to come up with a "To Do List" and stick to it ...... so far it stands as 1. Pay off debts Ideally this will be well under way by next month. especially 1 and 2 - they are the most important right now to make a change. good luck to me :) xxxx
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why do you play with me so? i was trying to get over you - i even had a date lined up, but cancelled as it wasnt fair on the guy, when i still like you. only thing is you decide last night - when i shouldve been at the pictures to start talking again. was it a sign i should've went and then i wouldn't have had to talk to you?? do you enjoy playing with me? i still like you - i told you - and you continued to put me down. do you know you are doing it? is it you're illness that was talking, or was it you? i have voices in my head like you, but i can control them sometimes. we were good together, but having put up with so much i need time for myself - you decide what you want. we can continue being friends i think, i've missed not talking to you, but we will always go back to the old ways and end up in bed - i know it. i would like it, but with me being the one who gets hurt, i need to say no, at least just now. have you been playing games this last 3 weeks - ur msn name, ur bebo status, thinking i would run back like i always have - except i haven't - or are you seeing someone?? i wish i could ask you these things, but its me that will get hurt. physical pain is better than emotional and so far i have resisted the temptation to cut, simply because i wasnt to be normal, wear skirts, short sleaves and not worry about the fresh cuts and bright red scars that everyone will see. i have to fight demons to - its not just you. i'm going to work really hard though, become even more beautiful and better than ever and make you regret everything. truth is ...................... i think i still ........................................ take care x x x x x
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why do i do this to myself? i tell myself i'm over you, but i find myself stil loving you. my head says i'm over you, but my heart says i never will be. and i know i will get drunk and phone you - i still love you - i can't tell you though. i need to stay away from you to give my heart a chance to heal, but i am drawn to you all the time. i want to feel your arms around me, to feel safe from the rest of the world, i want you ..... i need you i will love you always
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I wish you told me you loved me back then! I only stayed with Andrew because you never said it! If you said it I would have known it was the real deal from you and I could have been with you and happy. The only reason I stayed with him is because he said it, I have this stupid desire to feel loved and I am scared of not having someone to love, but more so - not having someone who loves me. A few secrets - u finished with your ex-girlfriend because she gained weight. Even though I knew you liked me for being me - I tried to keep in shape - the result - accusations I had an eating disorder because I got low. But it wasn’t good enough - I didn’t have you. Then I go away for a few months gain a little weight and come home to find you have a girlfriend. I shouldn't have been so stupid! I should have gone with you! I regret not doing it, I do. You see I think I love you ............. but I’m 2 late now. I fear I have lost you.
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i have met that one guy. the one you can imagine spending the rest of your life with, the one who is always on your mind, the one who is your all ........ except im not with him. y is he still in my head? y is he under my skin? y can't i forget about him like i usually do with every other guy? y is he so fucking special? part of me wants to be able to move on and forget about him, but as soon as i see him, my heart will cave, my eyes glaze over and i cant even be mad at him for all that has happened. i am happy to be walked all over, for him to have a laugh at me. im such an idiot, and im not usually like this. do i really want rid of him? i cant bear the thought of not talking to him, the thought that he would no longer be in my life, i'm an idiot i know, i hate myself for it, and i hate myself for loving him still. i love him :'( xxx
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they are all laughing. at me. behind my back. my mate K has slept with my ex - one week after we split up - after 18 months. i loved him with all my heart and she knew it. she has told one person that i know of, whilst he has told 3 of his latest conquest. i want to die. everyone is laughing |
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i know i said i would post everyday and keep myself updated. i guess its another failure to add to my list. recent events : i have found myself single, YET AGAIN!!! the dick wants the single life, but when i seen him tonight he kept declaring his love for me. I wish i could believe him, every time he said it i wanted to break down and cry. the truth is i know it was the drink talking, and yes i have also had a few. i thot it would numb me for seeing him. thats what i like about alcohol, it numbs my feelings. thats why i found myself drinking a bottle of vodka a day. i couldnt feel anything. now i have other ways - though not illegal - and they help. i have to get up early tomorrow. yet i am stilll drinking. waiting for him to come out his slumber and text me back to know he is not going to chock on his vomit. y must i worryabout him? i told my best friend i could and would be able to have sex and be his fuck buddy, but can i? i want to, its better than nithing right? after 18 months, i dont want to e on the market, i was hopin we were goin to settle down. its my thoughts that change everything. last time i thought like this, the ex said he was gay! what is it that i am doing? ami looking at the wrong guys, or some kind of magnet for them. mayb i should go and tell me doctor i was lying about being depressed, but then i would haveto inform uni and could end up being seperated from my mates and i really dont need that. maybe i do really, the all hate me anyway. cutting is the only release i have from my shit life. think i'll read my triggering novel on my oh so long car journay the moro. everyone is happy except me!!! Y DO MEN NEED TO SAY I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING OFTEN????????
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Well hey u! haha! i have been a member on here for a while, and have been floating about some groups, but never done anything for my page. I have spend a few days thinking about how to describe myself and all that yadda, but instead came to a conclusion. i need to be in control of my life and am petrified of not being able to. this thought made me think of why am i here, and the others who are like me. in the past i have cut myself and learnt how to hde it and lie about how i recieved the cuts etc i feel like my head is a ball, that everyone is playing with right now, and i can't get it back to 'normal', the slightest comment and i could be either down your throat 'defending' myself, or walking away from you, putting on a show of being fine, and crying because of it. anyhoo
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cold
hopeful
confused
pissed off
tired